The in between

When I got laid off, I was very discombobulated. It's a very strange feeling when everything in your life stops. I could pick up my son from school. I didn't have to go anywhere? I was all of a sudden very lonely. And the doubt is there immediately. What if I don't get another job? What if I don't have any marketable skills? What if...what if....

I was also irrationally and uncontrollably angry. At management, at upper management, at the c suite. How could they let this happen? When did they know? What on earth were they thinking? Did they feel bad? Did they even care? Were they glad we were gone? Did they even know how much they had affected our lives? Our families? What about all those people who questioned our work? Didn't think it was good enough, not the right benchmarking, etc. Were they to blame too? It just made me so mad that someone I really didn't know or interact with could just cut off my life like that. And I felt like it was royally unfair.

I did keep in touch with some of my work friends. We tried to console each other, tried to talk, but honestly, we were all competing for the same few jobs and that never feels good. My self confidence took a huge hit, obviously. I interviewed for the same jobs they did and they got jobs but I did not. I wasn't sure I wanted to keep doing what I was doing. Should I make a change? Try to get another job? I just didn't know.

Meanwhile, it was summer and my oldest was in every summer camp known. Before I lost my job, I remember my husband and I talking about swinging the schedule for summer camp because some get out at 2 or 3. My job was micro-managing and worried when I left early. Even though I got the work done. A would have to work from home sometimes to be able to pick up kids, etc, while I had to stay at work. But since I was jobless, I was able to pick him up when things were done. Someplace to go during the day, I guess. It felt silly to have thought about working my family schedule around a job that obviously did not value my work.

My days were weird. I took a couple weeks to mourn (literally) the loss of my job and then I jumped back into job searching. As part of my severance package, I had gotten career counseling and I quickly signed up for everything I could. They had webinars and cheat sheets and LinkedIn profile optimization, etc. But something else was also happening. There were fewer jobs, especially for my rank. And those jobs were getting hundreds or thousands of applicants. I was one of thousands. How would anyone possibly pick me? And more and more people were getting laid off here in the Bay - especially in biotech. It was hard to watch, and killed my confidence even more. Meanwhile, my friends from my old work were getting the jobs I had also interviewed for. I guess I hadn't done well in interviews? The reality is that almost all of my interviews were with teams of men. Entire teams of men. Could you imagine? No women to work with? I don't think I would have wanted those jobs anyways, but who knows?

In addition, I have some things on my resume I am ashamed of. Sensitive to, I suppose. I had my youngest son, G in 2019. I had a hard pregnancy and I had had a hard time going back to work after my first son. So I wanted extra time with my second baby, so I quit my job in early 2020, hoping to stay home with G until he was about 1. Then COVID hit and all things came to a halt. In March, D's kindergarten was cancelled, along with all kid related activities. There was no childcare, no school, nothing I could do. Everything was contracting. And, of course, we all were terrified. I ended up being home with the kids for over 2 years. In June 2022, I went back to work, but now I had this two year gap on my resume. What had I been doing? Instead of valuing care taking, our society sees no value in it. Even though I ran a house, took care of children and lived in the Bay on one income, none of those skills are seen as valuable. And no one can vouch for how well I did that job.

And while I did want to be a stay at home mom for a bit to recover from birth and make breastfeeding easier on me and the baby, I did not choose to be a stay at home mom. I worked my whole life to have a career that I was proud of and to use this brain that I was given. And suddenly, that was all gone and I had not necessarily had a choice. There were no other options because there was no childcare. I know a lot of other women were put in this position too, or were forced to work from home while caring for children and ensuring they kept up with their studies. And while my son did not fall behind and my youngest absolutely benefited from having us all home with him, I feel, shall we say, sensitive about this time. I am obviously hard on myself for this, and also I am incredibly privileged to have been able to take this time with my kids, but it didn't feel like my choice, which was the problem. 

So when I get asked about this time - what do I say? It was COVID and I had no childcare? Nope, because you don't want to give them any indication that you have children. Or a family. While men are seen as doing a better job when then have a family, women are seen as not being dedicated enough to jobs, or will call out sick when they have a family. So, what do I say? I still haven't come up with a good answer.

Suffice it to say that the longer I was unemployed, the lower my confidence got. I was on unemployment, which, by the way, is $400/week. Which is not nothing, but it not a lot here in the Bay. My kids were in camp, then back to school. I have a 4th grader! I could take him and pick him up. But still, no job. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I was unhappy that I didn't have another job. That I was home. Was I lazy? Did I just not deserve another job? Was I not good enough? I wrestled with these thoughts constantly.